My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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