Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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