She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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