pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
