You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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