He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
