I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
