I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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