I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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