I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
