By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was like eating out sand paper
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
