I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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