Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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