I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
