I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
