I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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