like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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