FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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