Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
