who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
