piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
