Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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