I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
