so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
