I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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