I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
