you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
