I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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