If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He passed out mid-signature
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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