afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
