he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
