Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
