I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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