weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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