i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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