I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
