Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
