I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Are my feet made of real feet?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
