My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
