I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
