My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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