yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
