I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
