at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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