Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
