My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
