Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
