its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
