he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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