she was so not down for the gang bang
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
