how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
