It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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