Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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