did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
