Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
