You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
