Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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